The Critic Is on the Rice Boat, Probably

Story Time is original short fiction. The characters, places and events in this story are invented.

Day One

Varghese, 06:48 — Everyone awake? Urgent. My cousin at the lake resort says THE LADLE is doing houseboats this monsoon. Booking under false name. Today our boat is on his list. Or her list.

Anish, 06:49 — The Ladle?? The one who wrote the appam in Fort Kochi “tasted like an apology”?

Jomon, 06:50 — Who is ladle

Anish, 06:50 — Chetta, most dangerous food writer in South India. Sunday supplement plus blog. Nobody knows the face.

Varghese, 06:52 — Binoy send booking list.

Binoy, 06:58 — Front cabin: Mr Rohan & Mrs Divya Shetty, Bangalore. Middle cabin: Mrs V. Raghavan, Chennai. Back cabin: Mr K. Thomas, Ernakulam.

Jomon, 06:59 — Back cabin roof still leaking. I put the blue bucket.

Varghese, 07:00 — Doesn’t matter. Menu today is tourist menu. Butter chicken, gobi manchurian, veg fried rice, chips. Less chilli. Nobody writes bad review about fried rice.

Sudheesh, 07:03 — And the karimeen?

Varghese, 07:04 — Karimeen ok. Mild. No masala burning anybody’s mouth.

Sudheesh, 07:04 — Pollichathu without the burn is a fish in a banana leaf wearing a sweater.

Varghese, 07:05 — Then today it wears a sweater.

Sudheesh, 07:09 — Chetta, if the Ladle eats my karimeen and writes my name, maybe the brochure can also write my name.

Varghese, 07:11 — We will see. Fried rice.

Anish, 11:40 — Guests boarded. Rain started exactly when they stepped on the plank. Honeymoon couple took forty photos of the plank.

Anish, 11:41 — Mrs Raghavan: grey hair, cotton sari, small notebook. She asked the name of the fish in the tank and WROTE IT DOWN.

Jomon, 11:41 — Mr Thomas?

Anish, 11:43 — Thomas uncle already wet. Old sandals, umbrella with one broken rib. Asked if the back cabin always has a bucket. I said decorative.

Varghese, 11:44 — Notebook. It is her.

Binoy, 11:44 — Could be the couple. Two people, double eating.

Anish, 11:45 — No. The Ladle doesn’t honeymoon. The Ladle is alone and suspicious. She asked what oil we use.

Sudheesh, 11:45 — Everyone asks what oil.

Varghese, 11:46 — Give her the front deck chair. Tender coconut. Jomon, let her steer a bit.

Jomon, 11:46 — Lake is rough

Varghese, 11:47 — Steer slowly.

Anish, 13:20 — Lunch report. Couple finished all chips. Mrs R ate fried rice like someone correcting exam papers. Then she asked me, exactly these words: “Is there no fish curry? I came to Kerala for fish curry.”

Varghese, 13:21 — TEST. Don’t fall for it.

Sudheesh, 13:22 — Maybe she is hungry for fish curry.

Varghese, 13:22 — Critics are never just hungry.

Jomon, 13:24 — She steered. Very good actually. She asked why we keep calling her madam-ji and is steering included in package.

Anish, 13:25 — She told me she taught maths thirty-four years. Cover story. Very detailed.

Sudheesh, 13:30 — Thomas uncle?

Anish, 13:31 — Pushed gobi manchurian around the plate. Asked for pickle. Sneezed. Went back to his cabin.

Jomon, 17:55 — Rain heavy. Anchoring near Kainakary. Back cabin bucket full. I gave second bucket.

Binoy, 17:56 — Should we move him?

Varghese, 17:57 — Where? She has the middle cabin, couple has the front. He chose the cheapest cabin, he gets the cheapest roof.

Anish, 18:40 — EMERGENCY. Mrs R took out playing cards on the upper deck. She made Jomon-chettan pick a card and then found it inside his own banian.

Jomon, 18:40 — I don’t know how. I am checking for more cards.

Anish, 18:42 — She found my seven of spades in my shirt pocket. HOW. I was holding the phone in that hand the whole time.

Binoy, 18:43 — Critics do magic now?

Varghese, 18:43 — Distraction technique. First she distracts, then she tastes.

Anish, 18:50 — Couple laughing so much. Even Thomas uncle came up with towel on his head and watched. Clapped twice. Then sneezed.

Varghese, 21:15 — Tomorrow breakfast: bread toast, omelette, jam. Safe. Checkout nine.

Sudheesh, 21:30 — Chetta, I have two kilo small fish from the evening canoe. And kudampuli.

Varghese, 21:31 — Sudheesh. Toast.

Sudheesh, 21:40 — Nineteen years on this lake. Four boats. Every brochure says “Authentic Kerala cuisine by our expert chef.” Expert chef has no name.

Varghese, 21:44 — Brochure is brochure. Toast.

Anish, 01:52 — Who is in the kitchen? Something smells like my grandmother’s house.

Sudheesh, 01:53 — Go to sleep.

Anish, 01:53 — Is that chilli? My eyes are crying from the middle corridor.

Sudheesh, 01:55 — My mother’s meen curry. Kudampuli soaked, shallots, Kashmiri chilli for colour and the small green ones for the truth. Clay chatti. It must sit the whole night. A fish curry eaten same day is a stranger.

Anish, 01:56 — Varghese-chettan will kill you.

Sudheesh, 01:57 — Varghese-chettan is sleeping in Alappuzha. Guest asked for fish curry. Guest is god.

Sudheesh, 02:20 — Thomas uncle came to the kitchen in his lungi holding his bucket. Asked if I put the kudampuli before the coconut or after. I said no coconut, Kuttanad style. He nodded and smelled the pot for a long time. Went back.

Anish, 02:21 — Even the leaky man wants it

Sudheesh, 02:22 — His nose is fully closed. Cannot smell anything. Smelled anyway. Respect.

Day Two

Sudheesh, 07:30 — Breakfast served. Kappa, meen curry, appam. Also toast. I am not a criminal.

Varghese, 07:31 — WHAT

Varghese, 07:31 — Who allowed

Varghese, 07:32 — Sudheesh pick up phone

Anish, 07:40 — Report. Divya madam said “oh my god” four times. Rohan sir is sweating and asked for more. Not more toast.

Anish, 07:42 — Mrs R took one bite, put the spoon down, very quiet. Then she said her husband was posted in Kottayam in 1979 and every Sunday they ate this from a small roadside shop, and since he passed she has not found it anywhere. She asked who made it.

Anish, 07:43 — I said Sudheesh-chettan. She wrote it in the notebook.

Varghese, 07:43 — ...

Varghese, 07:44 — What did she write

Anish, 07:45 — Name of the fish and SUDHEESH. Two e. I checked.

Jomon, 07:47 — Thomas uncle ate two plates. Said nothing. Sneezed into the appam basket only once.

Varghese, 07:48 — Okay. Okay. If it is her, maybe okay.

Jomon, 09:05 — Checkout done. Mrs R tipped everybody and gave Anish the seven of spades.

Anish, 09:06 — I will frame it.

Binoy, 09:07 — Thomas uncle wrote in our guestbook: “Roof.” That is all.

Binoy, 23:12 — The Ladle posted. It is us.

Varghese, 23:12 — Paste.

Binoy, 23:15 — “...The back cabin offers its own private monsoon, buckets supplied. I would not have gone up on deck at all, but for a retired mathematics teacher from Chennai who, as the lake went dark around us, found the seven of spades in the shirt pocket of a deckhand who never once let go of his phone. I have watched professional magicians in Mumbai do less with more. If you see her on the water, sit near her. Four ladles.”

Anish, 23:16 — IT WAS THOMAS UNCLE

Anish, 23:16 — THE BUCKET MAN

Jomon, 23:17 — That is why he asked about kudampuli

Binoy, 23:17 — Nothing about food. Not one word. Not even the fried rice.

Sudheesh, 23:18 — He could not taste. Leaky cabin gave him cold. Cold took my curry.

Varghese, 23:19 — We gave the most dangerous food writer in South India the bucket cabin.

Jomon, 23:19 — I gave him two buckets.

Anish, 23:20 — Four ladles is good though?? Highest is five.

Varghese, 23:21 — Four ladles for card tricks. We don’t even own the cards.

Binoy, 23:48 — New booking email. Mrs Vasanthi Raghavan. Christmas week. Eleven people: two sons, daughters-in-law, five grandchildren, one sister. Wants both our boats tied together.

Binoy, 23:49 — Special requests: “Please make sure the cook is Mr Sudheesh. The red fish curry, every day. No butter chicken please. Also kindly fix the roof of the small cabin, my sister is sensitive.”

Varghese, 23:50 — ...

Varghese, 23:55 — Binoy, when is brochure reprint

Binoy, 23:55 — January

Varghese, 23:56 — Ok

Sudheesh, 23:58 — Two e.